Last year was hard. really hard. And I chose studying and family over everything else, including my health. I lost 30lbs in a month and went nearly two weeks without sleep. I was hospitalized and left school for an environment that wasn’t any more helpful than the one I left. I can’t go back to the hospital.
This semester I’ve been choosing sleep over studying and I’m healthier and mentally more stable because of it but its at the expense of one of my classes and i don’t know which is more important health or that class. And in all of that i don’t have time to relax or do things that make me happy. I’ve been choosing health and tiny moments of relaxing over work. i want to be able to sit down and have some tea and maybe even read a chapter of a book for fun or watch a movie. I want to not be terrified of my week or have to start planing whether or not i can go to the doctor a week in advance because i don’t have time in my schedule. i want to not be anxious every morning about what i need to do, or go to bed angry every night because i didn’t do it all.
I want to not have “pop” quizzes in my class because yes they’re designed to make sure you did the reading, but i tried to do the reading and am still trying to understand last class’s assignment so i didn’t get to this class’s. which isn’t anxiety inducing at all. I’m now over 200pgs behind in my class and idk when ill catch up because i made the mistake of doing something fun this weekend instead of spending it entirely focused on this class and i decided that maybe if i at least was on top of my other three classes that i wasn’t a complete failure so i got their work done and didn’t have time for the fourth class. i can’t do this. i want to be done. i want a job where maybe i have to bring work home sometimes but not every night and maybe i could have time for myself.
honestly i don’t dream big. theres people here who want braodway and johns hopkins and forbes and wall street. i want to never have my kids on food stamps or state healthcare. i want to not teach my kids budgeting at the grocery store because we cash afford either cereal or milk but not both. i want to buy fruit and vegetables. i want to occasionally have enough money to buy ground beef or oreos. i want to have a place to live and someone to live there with me. i want a job that allows me to see my family. i want to never have my power shut off or my phone service disconnected. i don’t want my kids to ever have to decide between school supplies and dinner. maybe if I’m lucky id like to have enough to visit my family out of state or someday take my kids on vacation. but while you’re all prepping for your graduate degrees and businesses, ill be over here, crying about how terrified i am that i may not make these goals because i can’t even handle college, and then crying again because I’m angry that these are my goals and not something loftier, except these are lofty goals for me, and yet again because i don’t even have a family of my own but I’m so fuckign scared that my kids will have the same goals i do and will never consider themselves capable of more. i don’t need a lot. i need enough. and how can you have enough, when you yourself are not good enough?